Not dead.
My scanner is, though
Been drawing, taking some photos. Eh. Just relaxing after graduating <3

Yeah. Life is alright. Holla back yo <3

xSummer is almost over.
Japan failed, come and gone. Thank you, swine flu.
School will finish this week.
I've made many friends upset.
I've cut out even more.
My heart has been torn into shreds. I think the warranty on this one has finally expired. Can't read the date anymore. And its so much trouble to put it back together the same way, so I don't mind investing in a new one.

Still floating along, though not as I'd prefer. Lost hours at work. Money is an issue, to keep up with myself. One can say my past is eating away at my future, but the reality is that the past is pushing me into a harder trial that I must undertake. I'm grateful to have the insight to accept this, and pray for strength to stick by my values and never settle for less than who I am and what I shall become.

Cut out the bad circle. Sick of bad ju-ju. What an odd word.

Exposure to love has been an interesting battle, to say the least. There are two places I would love nothing more than to ride to, and reside where I've felt protected, comfortable, at peace. But I cannot do that anymore. I've realized that with other people, I just cannot rush into their hearts like I used to. But I guess I was so used to simply being accepted. Family has spoiled me rotten. *sigh* But no matter. I have two feet, two hands, and have access to my brother's car. I'll go to Bauhaus where I am amongst the many but a quiet brick on the wall.

And as for Saturday night...
On all levels, I'm happy that it happened. I'm sorry it happened. What has transpired can never be taken back but honestly taken as a gift that was meant to share the real self I'd been hiding.

*sigh*

I hate the club scene. I hate the drunken debauchery. I hate the music that drives the physical but not the spiritual. It wears me down, and I'm sick, done, and tired of wearing the mask to the benefit of my closest friends who desire to use the scene as an escape. I don't escape like that anymore. I don't need the primal hunger pushing me into the shady lights and sweaty bodies. I don't like being touched like that. I don't like being looked upon like that. I don't like any of it and I simply refuse to be a part of it anymore.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you seek comfort in such empty, dark promises. I can't help but run away from you who oh so love to fall this way. *sigh* I know you're frustrated, lonely, and that by being around others who are just as internally miserable as you is a comforting thing. Oh, how misery loves company.

I deserve to be alone. I deserve to be approached in a non-sexual, non-promiscuous manner. I deserve to be a lady. I'm done lowering my standards just for the sake of company. Its not YOU, but the scene. Oh, how the scene needs to crumble. Its already a wicked mess. Wicked, wicked,...

I hope you understand. That I had to escape from your escapism. That even *I* need to be alone.. Even *I* need to grow into someone completely different. I just sought the Light, and not the henny.

How the henny will be the destruction of our genny. Cheers to that one, brats.

+ + +

The battle is almost over, this war shall be won. And in the midst of it all, I still love you for who you are. Your afflictions, your shortcomings. Your dark dancing with your light. I love you and truly, I cannot desire you in any other way, for you are you and that is all I ever really need.

May my hand give you strength, to choose the good over the bad, to stay true to yourself.
May my words give you inspiration, to fly high into your dreams and embrace the world wholly for what it is.
May my smile brighten your day, when you least expect a moment of kindness to turn around the negativity of a day's burdens.
May my heart fill yours with love, for John Lennon had it down - all you need is Love.

Be empowered to be you. You have done so for me, in oh so many ways, I cannot even describe. Words will never be enough. I hope, however, that the course of my life, will show you how much you've meant to me.

<3

Many changes have been occuring recently, most of which are surprisingly in my control. I'm very close to graduating from the University of Washington's evening degree program -yay for a piece of paper that says I gave them moolah for a BA title *smirk* Once that is done, I'm applying for JET and the Hekinan teaching positions available. I hope to be abroad for an extended period of time within the next year. Doable, to say the least. And I know I'll have all the credentials for it, so I'm not terribly worried, really. Its just coming up to me in a rush and welp, that's how the quarters run at the uni.

Speaking of rushing into things, I'm leaving for Hekinan, Japan on July 16. HOLY HELL. Can't believe I found out about it on February 15th. That's just how it goes, you know? Two, three more meetings with the students and then the trip! God, its weird to "act like an adult" but since I want out, this is pretty much the transition I have to go through. Has it really been nine years? Mama mia!

And yes, my 50mm, 85mm, and 18-55mm are coming along for the ride. We get one day in Kyoto as well -ZOMG! <3<3<3 I'm beyond excited for the trip

I've met someone new in the last few weeks of May and he's been nothing short of amazing. Inspiring and I can already see that he's going to be a pillar of support, Phil may be a busy body, but is someone that encourages me to take my strengths and go for it. Sure, everyone I know already FEELS that way, but this fresh soul in my vicinity is that recharge I've been missing this last year. Yay for new muses!

So at the moment, my scanner is totally down for the count, and I've been a bit ashamed at the level of photography I've been "shooting" -but it's just me still burnt out from the last year. It seems everyone I know is looking for a photographer and the emails are pouring on through. Tis going to be interesting, get the balance of work, play, and art all going the same way without me losing whatever is left of my sanity. So it goes, so I go!

Go to work, that is Homework on the rise. Oh boy! We'll see how high I feel like flying today. Cheerio kiddos

Hello again. I'm super busy with school, helping out and being with my friends, and then there's all these piles of paper here with drawn out faces that are begging for release.

So in part to keeping my sanity in check, I'll be doing my best to get art back up here. As I simply have a larger following on this username versus the other one, I'll stick with MadP until further notice.

Peace, cheese, and applesauce,

~Vanessa

find me here, please. i'm re-branding myself and finding a focus.

[link]

lots of love,

V